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As I have prepared to speak on the TED X stage in a week, I have experienced a lifetime of ups and downs compressed into days.

I have had idea after idea—written reams of pages, rehearsed, timed, given up, ripped up, re-written again said “that’s IT!” only to shake my head in frustration later and tear another one up.

You see, I said “HELL, YES” when asked to do it.

That’s my own admonition to you “leap BEFORE you look, in the second half of life”. I’ve taken the advice to say “yes” to and do ONLY what’s a “HELL YES!” and this WAS, somewhere in the dark recesses a DREAM, albeit for LATER.

After “HELL YES!” to do it, I said it again, this time when asked if I wanted or would go LAST. Now…a perfect storm…Speaking on a stage, in a theatre….to an audience and being filmed….and now the LAST of 7 speakers at an all day event.

This is a TEST…no, this is REAL LIFE.

This is what I want to BE when I grow up…or when I grow OLD.

I want to be BRAVE.
I want to be CONFIDENT.
I want to use my VOICE.
I want people to LISTEN.

I want to overcome STAGE FRIGHT. You know it is the #1 fear, public speaking…above fear of DEATH, SPIDERS AND HEIGHTS. That doesn’t help…the fact is, I’m the only one who can tackle this one on my behalf!
All of you out there who have the same fear, thanks, but this one’s on me.

Here’s the thing. I have a lot to say.

I want to CHANGE the world.

I want WORLD PEACE.

I KNOW the world will heal when we heal ourselves.

Here’s what else I KNOW…it’s up to ALL of us, EACH of us. No one is exempt. No one gets a free pass and I can’t make anyone else do it. I can ONLY do it myself.

If one person hears what I say and changes something in their life, moves closer to healing, I have succeeded. I may never know about it. I may never see the results of my power. I don’t need to.

I KNOW I have to do this if I am going to do or be any of those things and if I’m going to say what I have to say. So, today is a good day to die.

In a week, I will be on a STAGE, in a THEATRE, speaking to an audience of mostly strangers. Frankly, the non-strangers are a little scarier than the strangers. I KNOW them, they are there to support ME and they will have been there all day waiting for me to speak!

Pressure is on.

Failure is NOT an option.

I need to EMBODY “this is a good day to die”.

That phrase is one of several statements and stories I have considered for the talk.

Today is a good day to die.

The phrase comes from Native American lore which I learned from Joseph Campbell and “The Power of Myth”. Native American Warriors entered battle knowing “today is a good day to die”. They were not afraid of dying, they were ready for whatever came and they knew they were fighting and willing to sacrifice for the cause.

I originally heard it from my husband about a much less dramatic, but important moment in his life many years before. He spoke about an experience he had at work.

He’s a dentist and he was working in a dental practice owned by a partnership of dentists who were managing, but not practicing at the time. The management team had continually shifted guidelines for patient care to increase PRODUCTIVITY.

The “Powers that Be” were coming to town to talk to the dentists and staff about why productivity was down despite their implementation of practices and rules to improve it.

You see, they had not considered the “care” side of healthcare ONLY the “business” side. Patients don’t stay long when the value of their care is distilled down to a dollar amount and their trusted health care practitioner is rushed and thinking about the next patient before he or she has finished with them.

So, my husband was, at first, threatened by the thought of them questioning his productivity. You see, he figured they were just going to “rip him a new one” because his numbers were down, maybe even fire him.

You see, our corporate culture has taught us to to believe we are responsible for the outcomes of our efforts and if we “fail” it is our “fault”.
What it doesn’t teach us, is that the corporation is structured to profit versus the individual worker. Regardless of the circumstances for the individual worker, the ultimate beneficiary IS the corporation. We are taught to act for the greater good of the corporation, and the greater good is generally PROFIT.

He decided on that day, he had enough. Like Howard Beale, the news anchor with failing ratings in the movie “Network”, he decided “I’ve had enough and I’m not going to take it any more!”.
He decided it was a good day to die and he was ready to tell the TRUTH as he knew it and ACCEPT the consequences, whatever they may be.

When they asked why his productivity was down, he told them. If they didn’t want the truth, they would probably fire him and find a dentist who was cheaper and would just follow orders. For him, that was OK. That day the truth set him free.

It turns out, that day, they listened.

That day, they heard and they made changes, not firing, but adjusting so the more experienced, caring dentist would continue to practice.

That day, he won. He stayed alive. He learned to be willing to die (or be fired) for the truth and the greater good for ALL was served.

My TED X talk is MY moment of truth. I know I MUST go there with the attitude, fully engaged, that “Today is a good day to die”. Because, you see, my TRUTH is that my message is coming THROUGH me.
My message is going to be something I receive that day from something larger than myself.
The only way I get that message with clarity is to RELEASE all FEARS, DOUBTS and COMPARISONS. These are the things that BLOCK me from GROWTH and PROGRESS.

Here’s the thing——SAYING it and EMBODYING it are SO different. I won’t know HOW far I’ve come or how committed I am to what I preach UNTIL I’m in the FIRE.

At the same time, I KNOW I have been PRACTICING what I preach all year. I haven’t been just SAYING things or just WRITING things that sound like advice.

I’ve been doing HARD things. I’ve been learning NEW ways to live. I’ve been LETTING GO of conditioning and programming that has held me back.

I’ve been “LIVING every day as if I could die tomorrow and LEARNING every day as if I will live forever” as the Ghandi quote on my website declares.

I’ve been saying “HELL YES” to things I had many more reasons to say NO.

I’ve been flying without a net in “My Year of Living Dangerously”.

So far, I’m still ALIVE, in fact, I’m more ALIVE than ever.

I’m learning that GETTING OLD is hard. I’m learning DOING HARD THINGS (thanks Glennon Doyle) makes me STRONGER and STRONGER is MORE ALIVE.

I’m also realizing that TIME is precious. I’ve spent a lot of time TRYING to BE things, DO things and HAVE things LATER …not NOW.

I’m realizing that so much TIME has been SPENT in PURSUIT of MONEY. So much TIME has been spent WORKING for MONEY.

So much value has been put on WORK & MONEY & THINGS——the SYMBOLS of SUCCESS.

So little value has been put on TIME. Yet isn’t it really just TIME we crave?

Isn’t TIME what we never have enough of? We never have TIME to MEDITATE. TIME for SELF-CARE. TIME for REST. TIME for PLAY.

TIME is what we SPEND without regard to its VALUE.

So, as I write this, I’m pouring on to the page thoughts going through my head.

I’m sharing with YOU my FEARS & DOUBTS and I’m sharing my KNOWING, my LEARNING.

I am CONFIDENT when I speak my TRUTH.
I am BRAVE when I share my FEARS.
I am LOUD when I use my VOICE.
I am HEARD when you LISTEN DEEPLY.

So, I KNOW I will be all those things TODAY and THAT day on the stage.

What I say that day will be NEW. It will be a new version of the many ideas I’ve been writing, rehearsing, ripping up, re-writing, re-rehearsing and on and on.

I TRUST in SOURCE.
I TRUST in what’s coming from inside me.

Everything I do leading up to that moment will be leading the way, preparing FOR me and preparing ME FOR my “good day to die”.

This is Graceing Agefully™